Love

I tried fixing this damn blog name but I can't! Grrr. 

Anywho it's mostly for myself to read anyway. 

Love. 

Many crave it. Desire it. Dream of it. It's hard to hold on to. I do not care what anyone says that real love should be easy. Pssshhh nothing in life is easy! 

I have constantly had to pick up the pieces of my troubled life. All by my own doing. I for some reason love to make my life complicated. Nothing has come easy for me since birth! I've been a pain in the ass since then. I don't know how to fix myself. I haven't a clue why I do some of the things I do. I just know I'm human and I'm very much flawed. 

I have craved love my entire life. I have daydreamed of this picture perfect life in my head since I was a little girl. It never happened. I've been though death, rape, abuse, homelessness, cancer, all types of pain and look at me still breathing. There have been countless times I've begged to not be here. I've questioned countless time why one must endure so much hurt and pain. 

Am I a product of my own creating. Have I welcomed this all into my life? Have I left a welcome mat to pain and hurt? Because I do not understand any of it. How at my age can someone be utterly lost and alone? By her very own choices and mistakes! Got it. 

Then explain to me how countless 'bad' individuals have an abundance in their life? I don't understand it. I certainly don't think I'm a bad person, I know some may disagree. 

When do I get my chance? Never. Got it. 

I have learned a talent of pushing everyone out of my life. I mean everyone! Why I do it, ill never understand it. But I do it and I've gotten quite good at it. 

Then I find myself daydreaming. I often say to myself why? I could have a happy life, but I guess I don't want it. Because I sure as hell make sure it's a mess. 

You know, having chronic pain, it forces me to feel, everyday, every minute I feel agony. I think it's some type of punishment because why else would someone have to feel such misery? 

I'm rambling. 

I'm hurting. Inside and out. 

I'm completely afraid of life without him in it. It scares me. To never see him smile in my direction, to never hear 'I love you' come from his beautiful mouth, to never touch him again. It breaks what is left of me. There are three people in this world that I love more than my life. And I will now wake up without any of them. 

And that hurts. More then any physical pain my body will ever feel. 

I love you B, J and J 😥💜